Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
