I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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