You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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