She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
