as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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