Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
