I never want to see another naked old woman again.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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