You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
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puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize