So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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