Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
last night I used snow as a chaser
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
