I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
