3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
