Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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