I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
