What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
