I cannot find my penis.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
