You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
