I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
