I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
