home. puking in laundry basket.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
