Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
