I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
