No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
