I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
