Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
