I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
