Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
