My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
