It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
