Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
