You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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