Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
