O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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