First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
