Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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