how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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