i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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