that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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