need another drink. this is the easiest way
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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