Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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