Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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