Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
