i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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