i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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