can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
