When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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