i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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