Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
