Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Sex in the backyard? Check.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
