I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
