I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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