the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
