I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
