3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Randomize
