Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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