im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
