While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
