I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
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looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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