Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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