Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
As shirtless as possible
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
